Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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