I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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