your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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