The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
