he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
