I met the friendliest cop last night
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
