I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
