Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
