in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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