He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
