I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize