U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
