Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
