Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
