This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize