I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Help. Why am I so naked?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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