last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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