I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
