a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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