just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
