The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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