There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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