a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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