I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
