I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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