she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
