The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
one might say we're banned from that church
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
