i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
