if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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