she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
