She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
