Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
