She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
