she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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