when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We need to rekindle our bromance
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
