For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
