Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
