I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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