My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
