I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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