A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
