Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
