she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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