So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
