Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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