P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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