Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
