Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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