I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
