9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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