News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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