It was confusing and full of hummus
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
