I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Randomize
