you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
