it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
