If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
