Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
