Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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