Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
