I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
